Tag Archives: getting help

When Life’s Lessons Clobber You Over the Head

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       Yeah, we’ve all had these moments.  We pointed out to another person something  that we considered useful or helpful.  At other times we have been the recipients of someone’s wisdom.  The most surprising moments though, were ones in which we had a sudden realization or a flash of insight and life once again clobbered us over the head with some knowledge it thought we sorely needed.  In these cases, both the teacher and the student was ourself.   We sat up quickly and our brains clicked into gear. We  focused. We knew or understood something we hadn’t just a moment or two before, or maybe it was something we thought we  understood, but then we saw that wasn’t the case at all. We were just going  about our business, doing a very mundane task,  fulfilling our job responsibilities, shopping, having a cup of tea, when the “epiphany”  hit us.

      When this has happened to me, it has thrown me off guard for a bit.  This was especially true if  my new-found awareness reminded me I was missing  or ignoring something pretty obvious that  I “should have known”. (Those shoulds always get us into trouble and erode our confidence and self-esteem, don’t they?)   

     Have you ever been struck by a situation or piece of information about which you thought you had a pretty good grasp and all of a sudden knew that you had not truly grasped whatever it was?    Perhaps you saw that you had forgotten this thing and how it made others feel, because life may have been going too smoothly for you for a while.   I guess that is what life lessons are about. They make us catch our breath, feel things more sharply and think of them differently.  They remind us in a big way of how very human we are. 

       I have lived through a great deal of loss and have gone through periods of depression, as well as times of extreme, practically unbearable grief.  If you live long enough, it’s  unavoidable.   An outside observer might not have considered me lucky in terms of many of the things I have endured, but I have taught myself how to be grateful for what is positive and good in life in spite of this not having been my orientation for a long while.   Somehow I  managed to pull myself out of the deepest, darkest pits.   I had help with this at times and was always  able to find a core of strength within myself that I used in order to boost myself up and travel to a new and more tolerable or happier place.   I think most of us can do that in one way or another,  but we just need the right support and for the universe to be lined up in a way that lets us  get help and help ourselves.

     I don’t mean that people who suffer from dreadful demons, who trudge through the muddy riverbeds of grief and/or serious clinical depression and just can’t seem to pull themselves out no matter what, are to blame. I would never, ever think that.   I know that when you are paralyzed by fear, sadness, shame and anxiety, and are in the throes of pain and suffering, it is hard to feel anything but agony.   I know this personally and professionally and have had more than my share of experience with the topic.   I guess that’s why I feel so good when I get to help someone find a ray of light in what might feel like a hopeless situation.  I truly like  assisting  people  in reframing how they view things and in finding  tools that are already present within themselves, but with which they have perhaps lost connection.  Sometimes the toolbox is old and rusty and a new key needs to be made, or we have to find a practical way to pick the lock if necessary, to access  what it takes to change things.  I know for a fact that you can turn grief into growth and loss into lessons that lead us eventually to some light.  I am a life coach, I have been coached and also have been in therapy at various times in my life, because I believe it is a useful and healthy thing to do.  I believe people shouldn’t suffer alone. That’s why I also have always been a proponent of  support groups.    I believe in asking for help and in encouraging others to ask for help.

        Nonetheless, I   have still been taught some life lessons that took me by surprise.  When I ran the adoption agency I co-founded, I derived my greatest satisfaction from working with people who had been through the mill, in trying to create their families. Sometimes after riding the roller coaster of infertility or even the horrendous loss of a child,  clients endured some negative experiences with other agencies or adoption providers before coming to us.   Though the “perfect” families were easier to work with, I usually enjoyed the challenging ones.  The more complicated and sad their stories, the more committed I was to helping them, once they had met the prerequisites dictated by law.  I was often disgusted by the obstacles erected by bureaucrats in different countries, including our own, when there were so many needy children and parents ready and willing to adopt them and eventually my disgust reached a level of my just not being able to tolerate the work, as rewarding as it once was to me.  I felt the most rewarded when finding families for children with unique challenges in the form of disabilities and/or traumatizing histories. I digress here, just to give you a glimpse into what adoption work meant to me.  My point is that I was  pretty much perceived of (and perceived of myself) as someone with a great deal of compassion, empathy and understanding about the suffering my clients (parents and kids)  had endured.

     Then one day I was taught another lesson by life.   I won’t detail it here, because it is highly personal, but suffice it to say that  even though I had thought I was one of the more sensitive, caring adoption workers/agency directors  I discovered myself in a situation that tested me and that increased my empathy a hundredfold. Very suddenly, the lens through which I viewed clients became much more clear and I think this helped me to do an even better job than I had previously done, once I had sorted out all of my feelings. At first, though, I was shocked with myself for feeling the things I was feeling, as well as surprised and dismayed that even with all of my experience in the field (and as an adoptive parent who had been through the process multiple times) I had not fully realized or felt emotionally what became known to me one fateful day.

     What brings me to this topic today is that I recently had another similar eye-opener.   Life decided I had lost true awareness of something again and needed to hit me over the head a bit to reverse my memory loss.  Someone  close to me has been undergoing some truly hard times..   The circumstances have deeply affected me and worried me.  In my characteristic way, I sprang into action, seeking out resources, trying to understand.   I don’t do this because I am a wonderful, selfless person, but I think it’s often because this is how I get through stress and how I cope with trials, though I also seem to be good at helping.    However, when I was alone, I felt my anxiety begin to escalate and a lot of my own loss issues and fears began to recyle, as they tend to do with most of us.   I wanted very much to help this individual dig down and find some tools to use to take even some small positive actions,  but there I was letting my own imagination and fears carry me to unpleasant fantasy lands. 

     So last Saturday,  I decided I needed a little time by myself and a little distancing.  My first mistake was to pick a task and a place I do not normally enjoy.  Instead of doing what I suggest to clients and finding a locale and activity that has worked in the past to relax me and to help me recharge my depleted batteries,  I went to the mall to buy a need new pair of sneakers.   I figured it would be a good idea not to sit alone thinking too much and to use the time getting some practical things done.   It seemed like a simple task, but when I arrived at my destination, the noise, the hustle and bustle of people rushing about, the superficiality that hit me over the head, was just too much.  Without warning, every bone  began to ache with fatigue,  my mind wandered, tears began flowing intermittently and I needed to get out of there fast.  What had felt easy, practical and therapeutic in my head  began to feel like a form of torture I had prescribed for myself.

      The fact of the matter was that my worry and depression over the other person’s pain had taken hold of me in every respect.  My “epiphany” was that when we are in the throes of depression or grief, we simply cannot do the normal things that we expect of ourselves and that others expect of us.   We cannot just “buck up and be strong”, no matter how much we want to.  It has nothing to do with the strength of our wills or our characters.  Sure, I knew that,  but I had not felt it on a personal level for some time, so I guess I conveniently “forgot”.  I beat a hasty retreat, got myself home and took a nap.  When I awakened, I started to think about all we try to do to help people who are going through personal difficulties and I realized with renewed clarity that the most important things actions we can take when someone is depressed, seriously ill, or grieving are to let go of “shoulds”, to be present, to listen, to care and to do some simple, practical things without waiting to be asked.  I felt the impact of the message I always do my best to convey to others,  which is to take care of ourselves too, when we are under stress.  Again, my intellect and instincts knew this, but I very nicely ignored it and set myself up for a fall. 

     So this past week I made sure to fill my own prescription and to do things that reduced my own stress.  The worry was/is still there as big problems are not solved overnight, but in small increments, with help, determination and, in my opinion, prayer.  My consciousness, though, of how to just be there for others, and how to do better at taking care of myself has been greatly heightened.  I let go of some tasks I did not feel were imperative, and even a few that I might normally think are.  I pushed back or canceled some appointments and spent time just resting, reading and writing, as well as cooking, which I often find therapeutic.

      My head aches a little from being clobbered again.  I will recover, as will you, when life rushes in for a session of show and tell, sometimes welcomed and sometimes not.

P.S.  A person I admire who has learned many life lessons and has taught me some,  my friend Ruth Deming  had her kidney transplant on Friday, in Philadelphia. I hear from her son that she and her donor, her daughter, Sarah, are doing very well. (I blogged about her here and you can look for my tribute to her-http://coachirisblogs.com/2010/11/23/thinking-learning-laughing-crying-reflections-continued/).  If you get a chance, do check out her blog,  Belle of Cowbelle, The BiPolar Therapist at http://ruthzdeming.blogspot.com/- Ruth Deming’s thoughts, poems, recipes, and links.  As soon as she feels up to it she will be blogging about her surgical experience right from her hospital bed.  Ruth wrote an article about her situation and the journey of her daughter’s kidney, named Odysseus. You can read about it on her blog and also her article that can be located at http://uppermoreland.patch.com/articles/part-i-april-first-i-get-a-new-kidney-no-foolin#photo-5427414.  Please send your positive energy to her for a quick recuperation and a bright and healthy future, and to her daughter, Sarah. Thanks!

Decisions..Elder Caregiving and Other Life Dilemmas

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    There are times when doing the right thing is actually easier than figuring out the right thing to do.  In life we are faced with dilemmas and choices for which there are sometimes no easy or clearcut answers. We are taught as kids to “do the right thing,” but when we are faced with complex choices and our emotions cloud the issues, we can get pretty confused about what feels or seems right and what doesn’t.

     For example, you have a friend with pretty advanced dementia, who  enjoys being invited to holiday celebrations.  You want to include him at Thanksgiving, but there will be a big crowd and lots of chaos. This person does better in a calm, structured environment. It will  be noisy at your home that day, with barking dogs and crying babies.   The kitchen and dining room will be overheated from the prepration of the Thanksgiving turkey and the accompanying goodies.  The oak table will be wearing all of its leaves, stretching out across two rooms to display its full grainy and golden potential and the mouth-watering bounty awaiting the assembly of diners.  Chairs will be crammed together around the table to make room for high chairs and for the wheelchair of the friend, if he attends.  Weaving back and forth between the dining area and the kitchen with steaming cassaroles and heavy platters will necessitate prize-winning agility.  Toddlers and terriers will be chasing each other around the table and under everyone’s feet.  Some guests will be shouting over the din of the TV football game, or the video game brought to amuse some, but thoroughly disdained by others.  A political debate will be taking shape among family members in the next room, who will be enjoying their wine and whining about the state of the economy and the recent mid-term elections.

     Not everyone invited knows this old family friend.  A few do and feel bad about his situation and his recent decline, but don’t visit the friend at the dementia care facility.  They inquire politely about his status but that’s about it.  You, on the other hand, do visit him often and frequently gift him with treats and trinkets that are always greatly appreciated.   You spend hours each week chatting with him in person or on the phone and explaining things he doesn’t understand. but asks  you about repeatedly. Your explanations are usually an exercise in futility, though they sometimes calm him down when he is agitated.  He has already asked multiple times whether or not he will receive an invitation to the Thanksgiving dinner. He  has let you know that he wants to make sure to have his caregivers set aside some clean, unstained clothes to wear that day.  Though he often thinks it is summertime and not Thanksgiving season, he asks what side dishes will be served.  Some days he remembers the people in your family and his own and at other times, inquires about and worries over children he doesn’t have and says he thinks they live in Canada or Alaska.

       It was unsettling the  last time you took this friend to lunch at a restaurant. He enjoyed it a great deal and ate a larger amount of food than you had seen him consume in ages.  He also tried to eat the salad of the person seated next to him and grabbed something  from the plate of the person across the table, spilled food all over his clothes and the restaurant floor and nearly choked a couple of times.   You went for ice cream after the meal and he consumed his with exclamations of joy, but when you returned to the facility,  he asked if you might be interested in stopping for some ice cream.

     You lead a busy life and are probably going to have to do most of the holiday preparation on your own.  As much as you fantasize about the perfect family gathering, filled with love, laughter and gratitude, you know that it doesn’t usually turn out that way.  Even if, in retrospect, the overall assessment is ( when the last guests have gone, the last dishes washed and your feet are up on the coffee table)  that it has been a pretty good day, you know that you will invariably feel the stress and will be exhausted in the end. 

     So how do you decide what to do?  What influences your decision?  You know without thinking that the “right thing” is to include your friend and to allow him to share a hopefully happy and pleasant day in the company of your family.  After all, you don’t know if this friend will have a lot of holidays left to celebrate.  On the other hand, he may or may not even remember it a few days after Thanksgiving has gone and the last remnants of turkey and pie have finally disappeared from the fridge. 

     Deciding not to include your elderly friend will probably make you feel bad about yourself and even selfish.  That’s not  a state of mind you want to take on at any time, but surely not on an important family holiday.

     Do you listen to your inner voice and does it usually bring you peace to do that?  If that is how you operate, then it is time to quiet all of the extrananeous thoughts and get in touch with the silence so you can hear what your inner self is telling you. You may also want to bounce your dilemma  off someone you truly trust, who will not bring his or her own agenda to the situation.

     It is not a given that doing what your conscience tells you will bring you the peace you desire. Doing the right thing may cause further turmoil and conflict.  In this situation it may even spoil the holiday for others, though it may also enrich them and help them learn to be more tolerant.

    When we make decisions that will have a significant effect on us and on others, most of us rely on past experiences, ethics we have adopted over our lifetimes, and practical theories we have developed to help give us some specific direction . Theories are only that  though, and do not take into account all of the human needs and variables.

     You surely believe it’s a good thing to make sacrifices that benefit others at times.  If you’re someone, though, who constantly makes such sacrifices and who feels resentful or stressed,  it might be healthier for you to find ways to minimize that stress.  Sometimes that means paring down commitments and obligations and saying no.  

     If you are approaching the end of this piece and are starting to feel some disappointment that there are no conclusions and that you find no instant advice, you have come to the wrong place.  Let’s ask instead, that you reflect on this and hope that the act of reflection brings you some insights or learning.  If it does, then by all means, please share.  Have you ever found yourself in a similar situation?   Perhaps it is not a friend or relative with dementia giving you worries about how to decide on a good course of action.  It might be a promise you want to keep for a colleague, or for your child.  Doing so might feel very good and seem like the right thing, but as you contemplate the outcomes, you realize that the decision is complex.

           Can you visualize scenes in which the actions or choices around the problem you now face are carried out?  Think of a few of the  possible outcomes. Imagine the atmosphere, the mood and faces of the people involved.  How would it all look?   Do you feel sad about or pleased with what you are imagining?  Is your mood heavier or lighter after you have thought about the possible decisions and results?   Might there be compromises that would enable you to more easily make your decision?  Is there another way to approach your situation and still achieve all or most of the same results?  Is there someone you could enlist to help you overcome the obstacles you believe are inherent in your carrying out your decisions? Is there a way that thinking outside the box could help you in figuring this all out?

     What will happen if you make a choice and things don’t work out as you hope they will?  Can you come up with a simple back-up plan to avert disaster? Will it really be as big a disaster as you think?  Is there a chance that you are trying too hard to achieve perfection or to make everyone happy?

     Can you think of another story or event from your life when you were faced with a similar dilemma?  How was that worked out? 

         Finally, let’s fast forward to this time next Thanksgiving (or to the next time you are being confronted with having to make similar tough choices).   What do you believe you will have learned or emerged with from surviving and living through all of this?  How do you hope to use your new wisdom and experience in the future?

     I wish you  illumination as you move through your holiday dilemmas and a way to enjoy Thanksgiving and the ensuing holidays in the most peaceful and fulfilling way.

Is A Past Mistake Taking Center Stage?

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mistakes- (image by http://kelleyentertainment.com)

“A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.” ~ George Bernard Shaw

 

     Yesterday I saw a couple of quotes on Twitter that caused me to pause for some reflection. I am hoping you will take time to reflect too.

       What do you remember as the biggest mistake you have ever made?  Do you often dredge this up?   Do you perseverate about this mistake when alone or when with friends? 

      Do you let it creep into the corners of your mind when you want to be concentrating on something else? In the dark and lonely hours does this mistake sometimes come striding up from the wings, upstaging your thoughts and dreams and making it impossible for you to relax into sleep? Is it like reflux, creating a backwards flow after every meal so you can’t look forward to enjoying the next repast without discomfort or at least without the memory and fear of it? 

      All being well, this doesn’t apply to you and you have moved on.  You may have availed yourself of the opportunity to learn from your biggest mistake and from smaller ones.  If you haven’t, or your regrets keep recycling and prevent you from attempting new adventures and from taking even small risks,  here are some things to ask yourself:

      Why was this such a mistake? Who decided that it was? Was this conclusion one you arrived at on your own, or did it emanate from someone else?

       How did you feel when you decided you had made this mistake?  Do you continue to feel this? Is there something about this past feeling that you actually enjoy?  Did your mistake hurt anyone else? Did you do anything to mend fences at the time if someone was hurt?  What did you do to feel better?  Do you think you understand why you did what you did and have you forgiven yourself?  Do you cut yourself the same slack you cut others?  Do you know how to forgive others?  Do you really know how to forgive yourself?

      After this mistake or wrongdoing, did you do anything to change your behavior? What steps did you take not to repeat patterns that affected you or someone else in a negative way?  Are you working on that now?  How?  If it is hard for you to make these changes, who in your life can help you break patterns that do not create success and happiness for you and for the people central to your life?  Do you have good supports and have you allowed them into your world, or do you resist?  Do you need to look outside of your usual support network to find what you need to change or improve things? Where will you look?

      Does this past experience ever keep you from engaging in new ventures or entering new relationships?  Does it keep your current relationships at a level that does not seem satisfying to you,  your partner, or your associates? How so?  What is the biggest risk you have taken in life that brought you eventual satisfaction and a sense of accomplishment? 

      Do you feel your life has mostly been lived as a sort of trial by fire?  Or are you an individual who needs to cover all bases before making a move? Has that prevented you from making mistakes?  What works best for you? What are some of the productive results of having operated by planning things as much as possible?  Is it usually positive, negative, or an equal mix for you?  Do you think being more “planful” would be beneficial to you? What are some ways you can create a structure for gathering information and for planning before you take action impulsively, without losing total spontaneity? 

       What do you imagine life would be like now if you had not committed whatever mistake or mistakes you appear to be dwelling on nowadays? Would life be the same as before? Would you be having a drastically divergent existence instead?  Imagine that you can go back and erase that chapter from the book of life, or put the pages through a shredder. How do you think you would feel? Would you be more free?  Would you have the wisdom acquired from living through that error in judgment or action?  If you don’t think you would feel free by being absolved of these past actions you perceive as negative, what would empower you to be able to feel that way? What does freedom mean to you?  What steps can you commit to taking right away to move you in the direction of that type of freedom (defined only by you) ?

       A new and different future is on the menu sitting in front of you.  You only need to examine it, think about it, make some choices and go ahead and order. If you have done your self-reflection, you will know what didn’t work, what didn’t agree with you, what caused you problems and upsets and what did not satiate or delight you.  Now it is time to enjoy the meal instead of worrying about what happened before.  Perhaps there are really no mistakes but only small plates or samples at the buffet of life, to assist us in learning what we like and don’t like, and do or don’t handle well, and to whet our appetites for the rest of what is in store in all aspects of living.