Tag Archives: bad luck

DO YOU TELL YOURSELF YOU HAVE LOUSY LUCK?

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Good luck symbols 

It’s time to “fess up”. I will if you will!  Do you frequently tell yourself you have lousy luck and that nothing goes your way?  Do you think it is really bad luck that plagues you, or is it at least partly your own attitude?

Maybe it’s time to take a long, honest look at yourself in the mirror,  to examine what you see and what the dynamics are in your life.  Is it possible you have been carrying around with you the idea that you have a lot of bad luck and it has colored how you perceive the world?  Do you preserve some of those old family recipes that really need to be discarded?  You may delight in making your grandmother’s delicious snickerdoodles when the holiday season rolls around, but nobody needs a recipe full of ingredients that disagree with us, or cause us to be less healthy or happy.  I know my grandparents used to enjoy a variety of peasant food that turn my stomach thinking about them.  They loved hard rolls smeared with rendered chicken fat, with fried chicken skins (gribenes). This is the Jewish equivalent of fried pork rinds and you couldn’t pay me enough money to eat that kind of stuff. That’s one piece of my family and cultural heritage that I am happy to be rid of.

When I think of the family I was born into, I can think of many fine attitudes, qualities and gifts that were passed on to me.  I always had an abundance of love, even if I sometimes felt a bit smothered. Learning for the sake of enjoyment and personal enrichment was encouraged. Writers and good literature were greatly valued.   I learned that people, as well as causes to which you were committed, were more important than money and material things.  This belief has prevailed throughout my life and has been both a positive and negative force, but perhaps that’s the subject of another blog post.

I learned that family is ultra-important, as well as loyalty to good friends. From my parents’ marriage and obvious love for each other, I was taught that nurturing the marriage or primary relationship is crucial.   I learned from my mother how to be frugal when needed, and  how to plan and budget.  From my father, I learned how to be generous.  I learned how to be welcoming and hospitable to those who visited our home, whether the insurance agent, the plumber, the Egg Man who sold farm fresh eggs to the neighbors, or the doctor (who made house calls).  I was taught to buy only what I can afford, and that it is a virtue to be as debt-free as possible, but when money is tight at times, it is important to feed your family well before taking care of some other things. Having enough food, even in lean times, was key to my parents’ ability to feel secure. Naturally this stemmed from their childhoods and I am sure had some negative carry-over, but it was mostly a good thing.  If family or close friends were short of cash, you tightened your already tight belt just a tad, and helped them out of a jam.

Unfortunately, along with these mostly good notions and values, I got a pretty strong lesson in L.D.S. principles.  That may sound odd to you, since we were Jewish, so I need to explain. My family did not convert to the Mormon faith (though I have always liked their concept of the Family Home Evening).  L.D.S. in my lingo, stands for Lousy Destructive Shit (pardon me, if you prefer to just substitute the word ‘stuff’).

Now it’s time for my confession.  I grew up in a home where blame was put on bad luck more than I care to remember, and after a while, I began to internalize my parents’ mindset. They sincerely believed that they did not have good luck in life, in general.  They felt that trouble had some sort of radar with which to locate them. That is not to say they weren’t thankful for what they had, but they just expected things to go wrong. When they purchased appliances, cars or furniture, they assumed it would not go smoothly and they went on the defensive from the start of most transactions.  They perceived of it as protective or smart consumerism.  It never occurred to them to think that one might catch more flies with honey than with suspicion. Therefore, I also grew up thinking that bad luck was my fate in life and that sales people, contractors, craftsmen, etc. were out to either cheat me, to bestow inferior goods, or to provide me with less than adequate service. I  considered it my mission (not always totally consciously)  to research to the point of ridiculousness and to be in the highest DefCon Alert mode.  When people took ill, my parents hoped for the best, but usually assumed the worst would happen.  While I still have some residual effects from this, hopefully ameliorated by education, time, therapy at different life phases, and my life coach training, I have done my best to be aware when I slip back into that mode and to work on ways to talk myself out of it.

I certainly don’t believe that people bring misfortune on themselves when they are stricken with illness, as I have written in other blog posts.   I don’t like blaming those who are victims of  terrible occurrences.  I do believe, though, that when you go through life with distrust and expecting the worst, you project that out into the world and you get a lot of it back.  You don’t directly cause the ball bearings in your brand new fancy clothes dryer to break off after a few months, (Increasingly shoddy workmanship in manufacturing takes care of that) but I think  you do have some influence on the frequency and way in which things occur. I think we have all read about and seen for ourselves the effects of embracing negativity as a way of life.

Will Edwards, in his blog, “Inspiration-Personal Views by Will Edwards”,  says,  “There really is no such thing as “luck” and that is because life is what you make it, and by maintaining a positive mental attitude, you attract positive events into your life. This is no accident.”

I don’t  believe that bad luck is totally non-existent, but I do feel we can attract some of it to ourselves.  Will. Edwards says something else  that really strikes me.

“Having a positive mental attitude is also about having faith in your ability to succeed in any area of your life and doing whatever it takes to get there.”

After years of working to get out of expecting things to go badly for me in life, I realized that somewhere within themselves, my parents felt that they didn’t deserve to have good luck or success. They needed to believe that bad luck clung to them like dirt to the Charles M. Shultz character, Pig-pen.  For whatever reasons, they did not have the faith or confidence in their own ability to succeed at whatever they set their minds to.  They believed that life was a series of obstacles put in their way to make their days more difficult and less pleasant.

Therefore, this was my legacy for a long while. Instead of seeing obstacles as unpleasant, but surmountable with persistence, strength, faith, support and creativity, I saw life as one big “downer” and sometimes felt it was futile to try to try to accomplish my own goals. I had not yet trained myself to view obstacles, even serious and painful ones like losing loved ones, as lessons from which I could learn to be a happier, better and more compassionate person. I had not conditioned myself to search for what might be just be small specks of positive value within a dark and difficult experience. Slowly I l worked on changing the way in which I viewed such experiences, which helped me through them and permitted me to try to salvage or construct something good from them.

Think about the messages you received when you were a child and if they are still busy influencing how you behave and how you perceive the world.  What do you tell yourself about the existence of luck, whether good or bad luck?

Still Looking For Signs Or Excuses To Stay Fearful and Negative?

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     Right off the bat I will admit to you that I used to be very superstitious and fearful.  That was how I was indirectly taught to be while growing up.  I know my parents did not set out to do so.  Few, if any parents do this deliberately.  I have worked long and hard to change that thinking and to throw off those old habits as much as possible.  My parents didn’t mean any harm.  They were who they were because that was what they were taught.  Granted, superstitions have been around for a long time and it didn’t begin with my family.  Primitive man developed rituals and superstitions as a way of trying to assert some small control over the forces of nature and a world he did not understand and that frightened him.   This is a natural thing for people to do.  

      My father used to drive totally out of his way to avoid passing a cemetery.  My mother’s mother looked for signs that we were and weren’t supposed to do certain things.   She believed in talismans to ward off the evil eye and she conjured up old-time remedies that seemed more on the order of black magic than anything else, though she kept a strictly observant Jewish home.  When a baby was born in the family, the crib and baby buggy had to sport a red bow to keep evil away and my parents extended that to new cars too and always affixed a red ribbon to our vehicles. I was taught not to let babies look at anyone backwards (behind them) because it brought bad luck, and not to let anyone jump over a child playing on the floor because the child might not grow properly. Silverware dropped on the floor meant  company was coming and we needed to get ready.   When something bad happened, my mother sat waiting for the next bad thing.  She believed bad things happen “in threes” as many of us have heard.  When my parents ordered furniture or appliances and discovered a defect, my mother wondered “why these things always have to happen to us?”  When my cousin was hit by a car while playing, but fortunately wasn’t hurt, an uncle admonished her for not being careful and told her “our family had enough bad things happen and that this was probably an extension of  our negative luck.”  He reminded her that I had almost died in a car accident  a year before and he implied that because it was the anniversary of the day of  my accident, she should have been extra careful while out playing with her friends in order to avoid something terrible.

     My father, who was otherwise a fun, funny, creative, hardworking and reliable person, grew up to be fearful of many things in life.  His mother worried about everything and protected her five sons to the degree that it was sometimes hard for them to make decisions and not worry obsessively about the consequences.  As a result, they didn’t develop  the confidence in themselves and in life that they deserved to have.  On the other hand,  my father and at least a couple of his brothers grew up to defy some (but not all) gender stereotypes and turned out to be very feeling, emotional, loving people.  Still, their fears and negative expectations of themselves and of life often stood in the way of their success and happiness.    My father’s fear and superstitions predisposed him to some mild OCD as he made futile attempts to ward off things he didn’t want to happen and thought probably would.  

     My mother was well known for seeing the glass half empty, though for many other more endearing traits, such as being strong, steady and capable in family crises. as long as she didn’t spend much time in thinking mode and went directly into action. When my mother was at the nursing home during the last months of her life, she won a bingo game.  I happened to walk in to visit just as one of the women at her table was pointing out to her with great excitement that my mother had won the game. 

      My mother declared, “Can’t be.  I never win anything.  Good things don’t happen to me just like that. I hope it doesn’t mean something else bad is ready to happen.”  Her table mate was surprised and taken aback and said, “But Gertrude, you have a lovely family and a daughter who is always attentive. You are a very fortunate person”.  My mother replied, “That’s true but my husband up and died on me and I have lost so many people.  I am just unlucky”.   

       I lurked in the background as unobtrusively as I could and listened to the woman refute my mother’s logic and perspective. She told her that my father (and the others) did not die on purpose and leave her and that most of the ladies at the facility were also widowed and this was simply part of life.     My mother nodded and agreed in order to avoid being unpleasant, but I knew she wasn’t convinced.  As much as she had mellowed at the end of her life, it was just too hard for her to throw off the shackles of the negative mindset she had learned and practiced for nearly ninety years.

     Over the years, especially at times of stress,  I have found myself reverting to early learned behaviors and childhood imprinting.  As we have all done at times, I gave in too easily to my fears and excuses  to avoid taking risks by trying something new or looking at life differently.  Now that I have reached an age where I have more time behind me than ahead of me,  I don’t want to awaken each day looking for rain clouds lurking in an otherwise clear sky.  I want to face each day with anticipation of delightful surprises yet to reveal themselves.  I don’t want to adjust my behavior based on predictions from my horoscope or admonitions and fears that keep me from making the most of however much time I have left on this earth.  I don’t want to wake up perspiring and having to analyze dreams with appearances by visiting owls or other death birds.  I would  much, much rather “expect miracles”, even though this is so hard for me and is quite contrary to my early training.  

      Just as you probably do, I sometimes get caught up in fear and stuck fast in reasons that try to prevent me from climbing out of the mud and diving into a new adventure, or from being able to easily see the brighter side of occurrences.  In spite of surviving numerous losses of loved ones and events that could have easily wrung every drop of optimism from the fabric of my soul,  I have done my best to find ways to seek the good in people and the best even in the worst of life’s offerings .  I am far from a polyanna.  In a sense, I  am like a recovering addict because negativity is sadly too much part of who I am.   I stand before you then and announce, “My name is Iris and I am a little superstitious and am a pessimist.”   I understand why others may be this way and know how to help them find new ways to look at and experience life because this is something I have had a good deal of practice doing.  I must be constantly aware of my innate nature, stay strong to keep from falling off the wagon and reverting to old patterns and habits.   I must live one moment at a time and do all I can not to become overwhelmed by the worries and “what-ifs”  that were part of my early education and that kept me from living the most creative and meaninful life I could ( and that each of us has the potential to enjoy).

    As the beginning of a new year is nearly upon us, I ask that you take some time to consider what it is that keeps you from living the kind of life you would really like to have. How fearful are you?  How hard do you work to view the positives in things that happen?   Are you occupied with searching for the excuses that justify your staying just where you are and how you are, even if staying there doesn’t make you happy?  Are you hiding in the shadows, afraid to take a leap or to do things differently because you are waiting and  watching for omens from the Great Beyond to give you permission to make changes?  Maybe you are listening too intently for messages that only  trick you back into the fearful state of the status quo.  How would it feel to finally take charge of yourself and to win the first couple of battles over your fear and your negativity?  Once you win the first battle or two, the tactics and techniques you call up will  begin to feel more natural and habitual.  The knowledge of how to do this is already within you, but may need to be recognized, developed and fine-tuned, as you learn to change and to resist the old ways of operating and responding to the world.   I hope 2011 will be your time to embark on freeing and enabling yourself to do whatever it is you have been afraid of achieving or of letting yourself feel in the past.

     Iris Arenson-Fuller is a Certified Professional Coach who works with people locarted anywhere,  individually, in person, through telesessions and also in groups. She is a  Life Stage, Family and Relationship Changes Coach who specializes in loss and bereavement of all types, including death of a spouse or other loved one, adoption loss issues, aging and sandwich generation problems.  She is also a writer/poet, and founded and ran a licensed adoption agency for 29 plus years.